REVERB | DAY 8 | READING

prompt: reading
What has been your favourite book [or blog or magazine] you've read this year? (Author: Carolyn Rubenstein) 

fifty shades anyone? yes. you read it. you know you did. we all did it. over the summer. we were all just one page away from a sordid affair with our spouse via text and email. oh come on, you know you did. stop blushing.

even my associates that lead book club at the church were doin it. don't deny it y'all! *snicker* i read all three. i know some of y'all did it twice. tee hee.

oh and then throw in my sordid love affair of magazines... oh my goodness. and i have the impulse addiction to them. not the cheapie kind either. the $9.99 - $14.99 range kind swag. oh it's awful.

some of my favs right now:

• Mingle - gorgeous party planning, event planning kinda swag and decorating - *swoon worthy photos!*
• HGTV - LOVE this one and it just came out this summer. oh my goodness.
• anything Better Homes and Gardens puts out - especially the special interest pubs that are a one time dealio... love.
• Artful Blogging - inspiration
• Where Women Create - lovely
• Where Women Cook - gorgeous
• Sew Fun - ideas
• Real Simple - simply inspiring
• Oprah - umm, it's Oprah
• Living - ummm, I'm the next Martha, hello?
• Clean Living (i think it's called? a new one i picked up at Whole Foods?)
• Whole Living - just love the recipes and concepts
• House Beautiful - home swooning
• Country Living - more home swooning
• Working Mother - REAL articles for REAL moms that work. that'd be me.

i need more. my collection is getting a lil tired. suggestions? ;)

REVERB | DAY 7 | 7 MINUTES

prompt: 7 minutes

Imagine you will completely lose your memory of 2012 in 7 minutes. Set an alarm for 7 minutes and capture the things you most want to remember about 2012. (Author: Patty Digh, with an extra 2 minutes from me!) 

•  kennedy's empathetic nature that was made even stronger this year
• creative inspiration that abounds here in Bend
• my personal growth that occurred this year
• the growth that stemmed over the diagnosis of Kennedy's tourrette's and Ron and I's ability to grow through it together and learn about it together
• growing as a team in order to parent Kennedy as a team rather than two separate parents - this was a big one this year
• overcoming a major roadblock in our marriage this year and the strength that came out of it - don't ever want to forget how we got there, what broke, and how we got around it, so that if it ever happens again, we remember how to repair
• my husband's even more tender hearted outlook that shone this year
• our ability to really come out on top even through all the shit storms that continually come our way
• standing for what i believe in and not being afraid to speak my mind
• i don't want to forget how good it felt to break ties from most of my immediate family that drags me down. i am strong, i am responsible, i am selfless when it comes to my child. this is opposite of what they continually tell my mother. it is well within my soul that i am not a part of their lives any longer. this is a negative force in my life that i just don't need. i am finally at peace with this.
• i don't want to forget how completely rooted and happy i finally feel for the first time in my life.

REVERB | DAY 6 | CHANGE

prompt: change

If you could change one thing that happened this year, what would it be? Why? (Author: lee currie)

february. february always used to be a month of pink and red and love and cupid for me. this last year it was a month of horror and darkness. doctor visits and terminology i never once in a million years thought i'd ever have to hear.

both kennedy and i had some heavy issues this year. but as a parent, you never in a million years think you hear the day, your child is diagnosed with....

ever.

your baby is perfect. there are 10 fingers. 10 toes. all the parts and pieces are there. and they are functioning at such a pace you are told they are so smart. and then school starts and she's advancing. and you never know she's above the curve. and then before you know it, she's reading.

but then one day, her eyes start to hurt. and then before you know it, there are tests. and evaluations. and doctor visits. and referrals. and then the dreaded confirmation. mr and mrs may, your daughter has tourette's syndrome. i just wish it all away.

i've written about this before. i wish it never happened. february will always carry some sort of stigma for us and i wish i could change that. it was a rough month. lets hope we can get back to rainbows and butterflies this year.

nuff said.

REVERB | DAY 5 |

prompt: worthy

Who have you taken for granted? Write to them a handwritten note expressing how you truly feel about them. Then mail it. I promise, it will be the best gift they ever receive, or you ever give. (Author: lee currie) 
it is truly impossible for me to list everyone and nearly find the time to pen a handwritten letter to all those i feel i take for granted. this year, i think i took a lot of folks for granted. and i learned a great deal from it. but i think the biggest step in self growth is realizing first, that you HAVE in fact taken someone for granted. almost like realizing you owe someone an apology.

i often take friendships for granted, because i just assume, if i drop off he face of the earth and don't reach out or respond to them, when i go to my dark and twisty spot, they will still be there to pick me up when i fall and i need them most. my dear friends, i have learned this year, that is not at all true. lesson learned this year. i learned to do better and give more to my friendships.

i often take the daily folks that help me get through a day for granted. but without their care, i wouldn't have someone to look after my child at school, keep us on track at the dentist and the doctor, have a good hair stylist, and those that really know what i need at the craft store! i know, sounds silly, but those sorts of things are important in your life and make time spent so much more valuable. taking good care of these people, showing up on time, and keeping your appointments is vital. being thoughtful to them - appreciative and spoiling them now and then - goes miles. and knowing - their days are just as tough as yours? makes a world of difference. lesson learned this year. respect those boundaries and you will get so much more out of those vital relationships.

i will pen a few letters to some close partners this year before it is out. there are some heartfelt tender feelings on my mind that need to get out. it will be tough. and meaningful. and i know those that receive it will need to hear it and will be touched. because we all need a pick me up now and then.

be worthy of yourself once in awhile, and the one person i've learned to never, ever, ever take for granted, is myself. biggest lesson learned this year.

REVERB | DAY 4 | FEAR

prompt: fear

When were you most scared? Why? How did you respond? How do you wish you would have responded (Author: Mary Churchill)


him: honey? can you come in here for a minute?
me: sure. what's up?
him: just watch this. what's going on with her eyes? (said quietly and pointed to our daughter as they were playing a game of sorry sliders one night back in february 2012.)
me: huh. that's odd. baby... why are you holding your forehead like that? are you ok?
her: me? oh yeah momma i'm fine. my head just hurts a little.

her eyes then roll back in her head and flicker side to side, and she squints very hard and holds her forehead again. it all happens so fast.

me: no that. you just did it again. are you in any pain? you have a headache?
her: oh you mean my eye thing? no! i do this all the time now!
us: YOU DO????
her: yep.
me: what happens if you don't?
her: well, if i don't, it feels like bees are going to sting my eyes, so my brain just tells me to do this with my eyes, and then by the end of the day, my forehead is really tired. oh and you need to come down to school for a meeting this week, because i got in trouble again for giving dirty looks to my friends.
him: call the pediatrician. tomorrow.

first stop, pediatrician. and questions fired at me so fast, i felt like i should just be ready to relinquish my rights as a parent. i had failed. i had not seen the signs. i had not noticed. i had not recognized the triggers. i had not seen this all developing. i had not known my child was smarter than smart. i broke down. i feared i had not done enough. i feared i was not present enough. i feared i was not focused enough. i feared i didn't spend enough time and i feared this was all my fault.

did she ever throat clear.?yes. did she every blink repetitively? yes. did she ever make recurring noises? yes. did she ever do anything else repetitively with her hands or feet? yes. all things YES.  she was showing signs of tourettes, but we needed to be evaluated by a neurologist for a 2nd opinion.

all the same questions, with a physical consult and battery of visual exams, because her eyes were also bothering her. the neuro agreed. tourettes, and he also stated she was gifted, but thought we should meet with a psychologist for official diagnosis.

it was officially determined kennedy has tourette's syndrome and is a gifted and talented child. no she does not run around the playground yelling shit and fuck. but let me tell you, if you do not respect her space and give it to her when she asks for? her tics just might develop into that sort! (a little joke there)

i have learned, through education - she is fine. WE are fine. there is nothing to fear. we've got this. it's all about education and adjusting. yep. we were judged. judged internally even. i learnt that the judgement came by lack of knowledge and not understanding even the meaning of the word tourette's. there are people in this world that like to find blame for things. i actually had someone say to me... "it's not tourette's - she's just mimicking you."

hmmm. yep. pretty sure i don't clear my throat after every word, in silence, when i sleep, roll my eyes as i'm trying to speak like a stutter, scrunch my brow at the same time, and then flick them quickly side to side when i get nervous. yep. pretty sure i don't do that. i'd be exhausted with that much movement. oh and let's not forget the fun little finger stretches that she does now often before she picks things up or holds things that almost borders on OCD as tourette's is wont to do - oh yeah, and then there's the cute little rocking Rain Man thing she's just recently started doing with new stress in the family - yeah, that's a fun one that keeps you from being able to snuggle and be physically affectionate with her in the evenings. yeah, all those things i DO NOT DO... because I DO NOT HAVE TOURETTE'S...MY KID DOES. phew.

i don't fear tourette's. not in the least. i educate myself about it. i fear the people that mess with my child that choose not educate THEMselves about tourette's. because they will get the information - unsolicited. from this momma. fear me.

REVERB | DAY 3 | REMEMBER

prompt: rememberWhat is the one thing you did this year you think you'll remember for the rest of your life? (Author: Me)

i saved my marriage this year. not single-handedly. not just me. we. we saved it. it was something worth saving. but things were really torn and tested and battled. we allowed outside influence to come in and really question out ability to continue to work.

and it was saved. you see, marriage is not something that is disposable. it is not something you walk away from when the going gets tough. yes, i firmly believe there are reasons it should end. but when you look at mine - there was no abuse. there was no infidelity. there was no drug or alcohol abuse. i have a spouse who is tender hearted. who loves me fiercely. who respects me. who puts my needs before his own. who compromises. who is present in the life of his daughter. who works hard for us. who provides for us. who has an integrity so strong, he will defend me to my own family, even when i may have overstepped my bounds. that is solid love and foundation.

these are qualities, as i grow older, most women simply don't have. and my heart breaks when i learn these things. and i am at the same time humbled. as we were about to let it break, we stopped, we exhaled, we both took a deep breath, and we realized, it was not worth walking away from. there was too much goodness. i will never forget words that were said to me. i will never forget the tender conversations that were spoken between us that saved me. that literally changed me and breathed life back into me.

and the words of pink pretty much summed it up for me. we're not broken, just bent... and we managed to get it all straightened out. and we continue to work. every.single.day.

"Just Give Me A Reason"(feat. Nate Ruess)

Right from the start
You were a thief
You stole my heart
And I your willing victim
I let you see the parts of me
That weren't all that pretty
And with every touch you fixed them
Now you've been talking in your sleep oh oh
Things you never say to me oh oh
Tell me that you've had enough
Of our love, our love

Just give me a reason
Just a little bit's enough
Just a second we're not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again
It's in the stars
It's been written in the scars on our hearts
We're not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again

I'm sorry I don't understand
Where all of this is coming from
I thought that we were fine
(Oh we had everything)
Your head is running wild again
My dear we still have everythin'
And it's all in your mind
(Yeah but this is happenin')
You've been havin' real bad dreams oh oh
You used to lie so close to me oh oh
There's nothing more than empty sheets
Between our love, our love
Oh our love, our love

Just give me a reason
Just a little bit's enough
Just a second we're not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again
I never stopped
You're still written in the scars on my heart
You're not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again

Oh tear ducts and rust
I'll fix it for us
We're collecting dust
But our love's enough
You're holding it in
You're pouring a drink
No nothing is as bad as it seems
We'll come clean

Just give me a reason
Just a little bit's enough
Just a second we're not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again
It's in the stars
It's been written in the scars on our hearts
That we're not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again

Just give me a reason
Just a little bit's enough
Just a second we're not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again
It's in the stars
It's been written in the scars on our hearts
That we're not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again
Oh, we can learn to love again
Oh, we can learn to love again
Oh oh, that we're not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again

REVERB | DAY 2 | LIMITS

prompt: limits

We often learn our limits the hard way. Were there any limits you realized this past year? Alternately, what self-imposed limits were you able to move beyond this year? (Author: Carolyn Rubenstein)

NO. NO. NO MEANS NO. i have really had to focus on the word no this year. in looking back on the word create and working very hard at trying to advance in my career at a very pivotal time in my industry and at the same time make new friends and fit in to a new community, i immediately felt that also meant i had to say yes to everything that came my way.

yes, i can volunteer. yes, i can take on that extra project. yes, i can do that on my own. yes, i can watch your kids. yes, i can do that at the last minute. yes, i don't need help. yes, i don't need my own needs met. yes, i don't mind that you waited until the very last minute to ask me that and didn't bother to think that maybe i had plans, before you asked me to do you a favor, and never once stop to consider those sorts of things ever. yes, yes, yes! NO! stop! phew. the roller coaster needs to stop!

and it is just now december when the hard limit has been learnt. and it was a hard, hard lesson to learn. and it was called out to me by my sweet, sweet, supportive husband. who never, ever says a negative thing about my time and how i spend it. but he finally said, "you know? i think you are doing too much. you don't take time for yourself anymore. you aren't doing things you enjoy anymore. and that needs to stop."

the two of us are not making time for the two of us. and that is a breaking point. we were becoming our parents. when i told him one night, he wasn't spending time with us, and he argued that he was, i asked him to tell me the last time he actually played - really, really PLAYED and adventured with us. i stopped him in his tracks. he knew i was right. this has to change.

this year was a big lesson learned in relationships and limits. a bit of a social experiment if you will. i have learned more than i ever bargained for in what my needs are and what i expect in a relationship - and i'm not talking about in my marriage. i finally learned what i can expect to receive in certain relationships based on what i give, and saying yes all the time is not always the answer.

i haven't been able to move past those limits yet, but i can tell you, it is a big focus for 2013. and i'll be damned if saying YES is going to get in my way ever again.

REVERB | DAY 1 | ONE WORD

prompt: one word

Encapsulate the year 2012 in one word. Explain why you're choosing that word. Now, imagine it's one year from today, what would you like the word to be that captures 2013 for you? (Author: Gwen Bell)

create.

2012 was a very big year. it was a year to create roots. it was a year to create change. it was a year to create new friends. a year to create new connections. a year to recreate old bonds. a year to create distance. a year to create new beginnings.

2012 created so many things: fear, doubt, anger, excitement, sadness, dispair, agony, confusion, happiness, accomplishment, failure, compassion, empathy, lonliness, yearning, belonging, success, pride.

impossible to encapsulate the year in one word, but to say create sums up what the year defined. we moved across country halfway through 2011 and began anew in 2012. we put down roots. the first couple of months here, ron lost his job. he was unemployed for six months. he took a job he was less than pleased with to help support our family. he's not created a life he's yet happy with. we will get there... eventually. i did create a life i love. i have created lifelong friends. i created a life that fits.

the beginning of 2012 - life created roadblocks for us. i got very, very sick. diagnosis unknown, but of the autoimmune kind. i had visits to neuro docs, and a spinal tap, many scans and tests to rule out MS, only to find some lesions on my brain are just causing severe migraines and facial spasms for no apparent reason, along with cognitive issues, and hand tremors at the ready, created undue stress for all of us. that was some good times!

at the same time - kennedy was diagnosed with tourette's syndrome. all something i should have seen coming. she had facial tics that showed up at age 3. i should have known. i should have known better. but you create diversions, without knowing. because every child should be perfect. they just should be. but now, we create routine. we create a sense of order and structure i never thought we would need, because order and routine help keep her little life sane and mellow. and mellow creates calm in her little life.

and through these two things, we created a level of love in our marriage you never know can exist, until your marriage is tested beyond all repair. it was not easy and each day we learn more - about each other, about tourette's and what makes US tic, along with our lil girl. we create a tighter family bond with just us three.

and now... this new year... well... that's a story yet to be told. and when i'm ready, and can find the words... i will tell it. until then... you'll just have to keep tuning in.

reverb is a daily prompt i'm following via my dear friend Lee... will you play along? I did this a few years ago and found this to be a fantastic exercise. join me?